Interview with an Alien
Noth Zobor of the planet Artanos has stopped by for a quick interview. I’m excited to catch up with him and see how his happily ever after is going.
Hi, Doctor Zobor. Nice to have you here with me today. I hope the trip didn’t take too long?
It is my pleasure to visit my mate’s home planet. We have not been back to Earth in nearly a grelf and the children are quite excited to visit their grandparents and to eat at McDonald’s.
Worth the trip from anywhere, huh?
The journey takes approximately one and a half of your Earth days, as we travel through four-dimensional space tunnels. The little ones do get somewhat… wild, but we allow them to play your game Minecraft on their handheld electronic devices. They are obsessed with that ridiculous program for some reason.
Oh, I hear ya! It looks like it has 1980’s Atari graphics! I can’t figure it out either.
Anyway, Noth—may I call you Noth?
Of course you may. You named me, after all.
Right. Sorry if you aren’t a fan. An alien named Fred just didn’t seem to work.
So, Noth, I was hoping you could update us on Stella since she couldn’t be here. How is your relationship these days?
Excellent! I have read studies concerning relationships that develop during stressful situations. It seems they are more likely to fail over time. I believe that because Stella and I fell in love prior to the abduction of the Earth women, such was not the case for us. Also, I will do everything in my power to keep her happy.
From your mouth to every Earth guy’s ear, buddy.
My mouth to… what was that? You know I am not accustomed to all of your Earth phrases. Please clarify.
Oops! Sorry. Just all guys should have your woman-pleasing mentality, is all. Anyway, I’m so glad to hear things are going well! I’d hate to have set you two up, only to see it end in an ugly intergalactic divorce a few grelf down the road.
That is not possible. Stella is my entire world. I am not whole without her.
Aww. So sweet. Sometimes, I wish a hot alien would come and take me away. That, or a hot Calgon bath. Maybe both. Speaking of alien’s coming to Earth, are the Artanian’s still recruiting for their breeding program?
We are and—at the risk of sounding like a kleptshel, I mean… a salesperson—might I endorse the program for a nano?
Go right ahead.
Thank you. Our Artanian Embassy is currently accepting applications for our multifaceted breeding program. We need both surrogates willing to be implanted with Artanian embryos, as well as females interested in meeting Artanian males for long-term relationships. For the surrogates, food, lodging, and all necessary comforts will be provided, and all volunteers will receive a lump sum of deet-mil krobek paid in your mineral gold.
Wow. That’s about five times the going rate here on Earth—plus those women can brag they lived off-planet for about a year. Not a bad gig. Now, what about the mail-order bride thing Stella cooked up? Is that still going on?
Oh, indeed. It is exceptionally popular. It seems that the unmated males of our planet are quite interested in finding companions from Earth. There is still quite a demand, and luckily a large number of Earth females have connected with mates from our planet after the initial introductory phase.
Do you guys have your own Artanian Singles dot com thing going on? Hyperspeed dating?
Artanian… singles? I do not understand these questions.
Forget it. Well, Noth, I’m thrilled to know things are still sexy with you and Stella. It’s hard to keep the fire burning after kids. You have to make an effort.
My sister, Ekka, and I trade off with the children to have a “date night” as Stella calls it.
See? That’s what I mean. Buy her some flowers once in a while, that sort of thing.
Stella prefers the sex toys.
Yeah. She would. Well, on that note, Noth, live long and—no, that’s not right. Anyway, take care of yourself, and maybe I’ll catch you again later. Peace out.
[Noth gives me a weird look and a confused shake of his head before mimicking the V of my pointer and middle fingers.]
Peace… out, Kimber.
Kimber Vale writes erotic romance of all stripes. Her sci-fi novel, Star Catcher, will be available from Liquid Silver Books on June 3, 2013. Come for the sex. Stay for the story.
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